You’ve watched The Secret.
You know what an affirmation is and how to create it and say it often.
You’ve made your vision board.
You’ve waited. And waited. And waited.
You’ve redecided that you’re committed to what you’re doing.
And you’ve waited some more.
Now you’re ashamed. You know that you create your own life (The Secret and every other guru other there will tell you so), and you’re failing at creating the life you want.
What’s going on here? How can others be so right and you be so wrong?
- Your first clue is the language of right and wrong. Stop using it. There is no one right way that works for everyone because everyone brings to the new adventure their own old experiences.
- Your second clue is that you are ashamed that you aren’t where you think you should be. After all (fill in the blank) only took (fill in the blank) months to (fill in the blank). Shame creates negative head talk that will stop you in your tracks. You can fill those blanks with business or relationship details. The thought process is all the same.
- Your third clue is your actual state of mind: are you happy (doesn’t sound like it).
- Your fourth clue is that you feel stuck, you’ve tried everything you know how, you’ve even enlisted (paid or unpaid) help. And you feel like nothing is changing.
4 ways to get unstuck without coming unglued
1. Drop the language of right and wrong. What works for the person who has 8 years of list building to 7,000 people before his overnight success on-line isn’t going to work for you with 850 people (or less) on your list. Brainstorm some ways that you haven’t yet tried and try them. Success is a journey of trials. Just ask Thomas Edison (who said: I have not failed. I’ve simply found 10,000 ways that won’t work).
2. Identify and name shame and then relegate it to the “old thinking” file. Shame comes from expectations that you are not measuring up to. Whose expectations are they, really? Where did you get them? If they come from outside (parents, school, peers, society, church) write them down and get them out in the open so you can decide if you want to keep them. If they are really truly your own, then you are fighting with reality (see Byron Katie and Brooke Castillo below to learn how to stop that). You can continue that or change your expectations.
Decide to approve of yourself as you are, where you are and start the rest of your life from that sweet spot of acceptance. If you’ve done this much hating yourself, just think what you might accomplish by loving yourself!
Great resources: Byron Katie and Brooke Castillo for picking apart your stories. Practice learning everything about yourself and loving it. Unconditionally. (I have always thought I have fat legs, even when I was skinny. These days after every shower I thank my legs and my feet for letting me go where I need to go with ease. I lotion them up. I get pedicures. Call me crazy if you wish. I have great legs – they do exactly what they’re supposed to do. Everything else is irrelevant.)
3. If you aren’t happy, take a breather. What is it you want that you feel like you can’t have. What is in the way of your having it? Write all that down. Go back and check. Anything that has to do with what someone else is doing or causing? Cross it out. Stop giving away your power to other people.
What is one step you can take today toward what you want. Take it. Repeat until you are where you want to be. Make adjustments regularly based on new information. This requires reflection, that is: time to look at what is working and what isn’t. If it isn’t working, stop it and try something new. The definition of crazy is repeating the same thing over and over and expecting something new to happen.
4. Some of us have wildy great expectations of ourselves. And that isn’t bad – it helps us keep going when the going gets rough. And those very same ones of us have a tendancy to finish one thing and head right into the next because there are SO MANY THINGS we need to get done. Stop that!
At the end of the day write at least 3 things you accomplished during the day (more? great! write them down) that are leading to where you want to be or supporting you where you are right now that you want to be. Keep this in a journal. In a month check back over your lists. You may be surprised at all you are accomplishing and discounting because you haven’t taken the time to celebrate yourself. Light a candle. Pat yourself on the back. It will also help you see where you need help or are procrastinating. (That’s another post.)
Wylde Women’s Wisdom
(need some help remembering who you are and what you’re doing? Daily inspirational quotes delivered free to your inbox: Wylde Women’s Wisdom.)
Like most of the creatures of creation, we humans go through a periodic molt, except that our molt is an invisible one and because of the lonely invisibility of the transformation, necessitates a particular form of courage, a courage we are never sure we have in our possession. Shedding the carapace we have been building so assiduously on the surface, we must by definition give up exactly what we thought was necessary to protect us from further harm…In a sense, at crucial and difficult thresholds in our life, the part of us that is most at home is the part of us that for most of the time has no home at all. The part of us that lives outside the normal rules. If we have no familiarity with this outlaw portion of ourselves in the normality of the everyday, then it can be very difficult to bring it to the fore when in the raw times of difficult change it is most needed. David Whyte
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