What do you think of when you think of shame?

It usually starts off with:  “You aren’t…,” You don’t….,”  You can’t….” (that voice in your head).  Which also comes out as “Why can’t I…,” “Why didn’t I…,”  or “Why aren’t I….”  Or:  “What will the neighbors think?”

I’m sure you can fill in the blanks.

I’ve been thinking a lot about shame and how it manifests.  How it moves from a feeling of lack.

For me, it tweeks that part of me who thinks I should be perfect, always, anywhere and at anything.

Looking back, it’s that part that often keeps me from trying new things because I might look awkward. It keeps me from starting that new painting because, gee, what is there is to paint (or write, or sculpt or create) that hasn’t already been painted and better than I can do it?

It may be why I can’t play pool (who knows – hubby and I are pretty on par pool wise, and play it in the Poconos when we aren’t holding anyone up – that’s as far as I’ve gotten).

It may be why I haven’t played piano in 40 years (Momma could play by ear.  That’s what I wanted.  I could only read like a bandit – mostly because I didn’t practice enough so had to in order to get through my lessons.  That’s what she wanted.  Neither of us got what we wanted there).

Here’s another one:  “Why  didn’t I start on my own business younger so that I’d have time to build something that supports me so I can relax now.” (As if relaxing is what I want to do – then what would happen to all the ideas always roaming around my head.  They’d go elsewhere?  No – more likely I’d just get a “bit” touchy and cranky because I was laying around eating bonbons and being bored).

Or how about being ashamed because you’re getting older and there’s no way outside of surgery, botox and the latest eyelash growing drops that’s going to help you even begin to look like you once did (if you even liked what you looked like then!).  Or because you are heavier than you “should” be.  That’s a great one…go ahead, define “should” for me. (These are what got me thinking about shame.)

Then there’s working in community around issues of social justice, and being ashamed that even though you’ve accomplished some really awesome changes (and I know you won’t define them that way, but trust me – they probably are way beyond anything you’re willing to admit), there are still so many issues and so little time to deal with them.

And for sure, what will the neighbors think if you’re out there in public making noise and making folks uncomfortable?  Shame on you!  Don’t rock the boat!

Or this lovely from my 2nd semester facilitator working toward my masters degree:  You may well be different, but we mortal folks need to work through it this way…. (Got any teachers in your long student career that did anything like that to you?)

Shame is a voice that has been inherited and made itself a part of your personal story somewhere along the line, usually from someone outside yourself.  It is about who we are, and meant to make us feel smaller or less than we actually are (guilt is about an action).

AA, (steps 4 and 5) , says:  write it down.  Tell at least one other person.  And by the way, make sure that person can be trusted to love you through whatever you are telling them.  This is not the time to choose someone who’s going to shame you more (you want a “disinterested” party – which is why AA has sponsors).

I can say to you (and to myself):  You ARE enough!  You DO enough!  You HAVE the skills to do anything you want.  But until we identify SHAME, and the stories and emotions we have attached to it, until we bring it out in the daylight and share with one other person, we’re going to be stuck.

So, what part does shame play in the place you are currently stuck?  Write it down.  Tell one other (disinterested) person.  Want to delve?  Therapy can help define how you got to where you are.  Coaching can help decide where you want to go from here.

And, by the way, if you aren’t ready to do any of that yet?  Go ahead:  The Universe not only loves you but is also thrilled with you!  Dwell in that abundance.  You’re fine as you are, where you are.  No shame in waiting until you’re ready!  Here’s to the amazing, outrageous, diverse, immensely creative, imperfect beings that we are – and will always be!

Wylde Women’s Wisdom

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Every time a Story in the vast human collection gets an upgrade, it has a positive impact on the qauntum field – and that makes life a little better for everyone else.   Each time one of us makes a tiny correction, changing a tired old story into an empowering, life-affirming message, we can turn this world away from scarcity and toward the direction of plenty.  Victoria Castle