Sometimes you just to have to let it all go.

Yesterday morning started beautifully.  Husband came home in the wee hours and so I left to go have coffee and journal so that he would sleep in a bit.  It was a great session with myself and here’s the gist of it:

2008 – the year of investing in myself (as opposed to wailing:  my bank account is getting killed!  I will smile happily and say:  this year I am investing in myself).

I have done that before – the 2 years I did my master’s work (95 – 97).  I was really happy during that time, stretching, but still dancing to some one else’s tune because I did not understand yet that I call what I want into my life.  I was still looking for outside accolades, still measuring from outside.

Then I slid back into "if I do enough I’ll be enough." syndrome which is backwards.  I am enough.  Now.  Therefore whatever I do is enough and just right for right now.  By george I think I’ve finally got it.

I’ve had a ton of free-floating anxiety around my recent decisions to focus on torsos and masks and wholesale, even though I cannot make it doing what I have been doing to date, which is a little bit of everything for everyone.  I know my decision is based in research and good judgment.  But there’s a squeaky little voice in the back of my head going OMG, OMG, OMG what if you fail?!!!!

And so I took a good look at failure/my biggest fear:  running out of money and having to get a regular job.  And then I thought:  what if I don’t run out of money and don’t need to get a regular job?

What if I don’t take this chance and do just muddle through the rest of my life – isn’t that worse than just running out of money?  And haven’t I been out of money more than once in my  life and still made it? (the answer to that question is not only out of money but nearly out on the street and I turned that around with two little kids in tow – I am woman.  I can do ANYTHING!).

I then decided that in order to really move forward (and since I probably won’t be in the February show of the Buyer’s Market – accepted but no space ) I need to first step back and put a strong foundation in place.  So instead of freaking out over immediately making money, I am going to invest in the foundation of my business, define the help I need, create my Sacred website, and check out Google adwords (this from the local Small Business Development person I’m currently working with).  I am going to network, and I’m going to sign up for the gym and use it like crazy for the next 3 months at least (requirement: find a gym that doesn’t require a full year membership – I think there’s one up the road, because if I don’t do the full year then I beat myself up.  I can commit to 3 months.)(and to another 3 maybe after that; we’ll see).  I’m going to work on writing the story that goes with the Sacred line, because that is the heart of this work I am dedicating myself to this year.  I’m cutting loose from doing and starting with be-ing and taking it from there.  And that’s my creative work for these past two days.

thought for the day:  Wherever we are, we can train as a warrior. The practices of meditation, loving-kindness, compassion, joy , and equanimity are our tools.  …Many of us prefer practices that will not cause discomfort, yet at the same time we want to be healed.  …  A warrior accepts that we can never know what will happen to us next.  We can try to control the uncontrollable by looking for security and predictability, always hoping to be comfortable and safe.  But the truth is that we can never avoid uncertainty. This not knowing is part of the adventure, and it’s also what makes us afraid.

[There is] no promise of happy endings.  Rather this "I" who wants to find security – who wants something to hold on to – can finally learn to grow up.  The central question of a warrior’s training is not how we avoid uncertainty and fear but how we relate to discomfort.  How do we practice with difficulty, with our emotions, with the unpredictable encounters of an ordinary day.  Pema Chodron, The Places That Scare You:  A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times