Hand-built clay sculpture, Chaos: The Tower, by Tammy Vitale of Tam’s Originals
On and off over the years that I have subscribed to Molly Gordon’s Authentic Promotion ezine, I have read her information on Byron Katie from time to time and even gone and looked at the website from time to time.
Molly’s Thursday, July 20, newsletter contained a side bar with another reference to "the Work" which is Byron Katie’s work and it hit me at a time when I was looking for yet another way to look at the world and deal with feelings (which, after all are only feelings, neither good nor bad – but boy can they affect your day….how to choose to make that a positive effect).
I just happened to have an Amazon.com certificate for $25 and so off I went to browse, and ordered Byron katie’s book: I Need Your Love – Is That True?: How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead.
I am enjoying the book. I am not sure I have my head wrapped around her concepts, but I like them. Here’s an excerpt. If it whets your appetite, try the whole book.
"Manipulation often happens without anyone intending to do it or even noticing. For instance, in the excitement of new friendships or love affairs, you may find yourself bending your likes and dislikes to win the approval of other people (whether or not other people have expressed their own likes and dislikes). Do you find yourself saying yes when you mean no? (‘Are you really sure it’s okay?’ ‘Oh yes, no problem, I’ll sit in the backseat with your three wet golden retrievers.’) When you start noticing it, you’ll find that polite behavior is full of approval seeking disguised as consideration…
"Once you begin to notice your own approval seeking, the social niceties you find yourself engaged in become good opportunities for learning. Often tact means pretending not to notice when someone makes a mistake during his performance …Sometimes tact means simply trying to avoid offending someone…
"Why bother with all this complicated pretending? There is no reason. You do it because neither of you has questioned the belief that your relationship depends on playacting and couldn’t stand up to honesty. You walk on eggshells around each other because you don’t even realize there’s another option…
"Notice how often you defend yourself (with words, actions, the way you dress, your tone of voice) and how stressful that can be. What impression – what ‘you’ – are you trying to hide or strengthen? Whom are you trying to convince? What is the story of ‘you’ that you perpetuate or want to perpetuate? What ‘you’ would you be without this story…
"What would happen if you moved and responded with less concern about that others will think? What if you let your actions speak for themselves? What would it be like to live your truth without excusing, defending, explaining, or justifying your thoughts or actions to others?
Thought for the Day: (also from Byron Katie) "When you say or do anything to please, get, keep, influence, or control anyone or anything, fear is the cause and pain is the result. Manipulation is separation, and separation is painful. Another person can love you totally in that moment, and you’d have no way of realizing it. If you act from fear, there’s no way you can receive love, because you’re trapped in a thought about what you have to do for love. "
