For today’s art, here’s a found photograph that I spied walking into work. I almost walked past but a voice said: don’t do that. So I stopped and snapped it with my phone. How wonderful are phones these days? You don’t have to miss anything because you left your camera at home!
The following is from “The Art[ ha! art!] and Science of Forgiveness” by Frederick Luskin. I’m putting it here in full because I sincerely wish someone had told me this when I was much younger. I understand the concepts now – I was introduced to them in my 40s when I read “Women Who Run with the Wolves” by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. It is important to remember to have compassion for ourselves first so that we can know what it feels like when we wish to practice compassion for others. Luskin call these steps a training in forgiveness – which to me is the exact same thing as self-compassion.
1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened, and be able to articulate what things about the situation are not OK. then, tell a couple of trusted people about your experience. [Note: he has carefully chosen his words here. You have to work through the situation, you have to be able to articulate it clearly and you tell *trusted* people, not just anyone. Interestingly, this is a Step for AA.]
2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else. No one else has to now about your decision.
3. Understand your goal. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person who upset you or condoning his or her actions. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story.
4. Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts, and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes – or 10 years – ago.
5. At the moment you feel upset, practice stress-management techniques to soothe your body’s fight or flight response.
6. Give up expecting things from other people, or your life, that they do not choose to give you. Recognize the “unenforceable rules” you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, friendship and prosperity and work hard to get them. However, you will suffer when you demand that these things occur when you do not have the power to make them happen.
7. Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt, seek out new ways to get what you want.
8. Remember that a life well-lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty, and kindness around you.
9. Amend your grievance story to remind yourself of the heroic choice to forgive, and focus your conversation on what you have learned about yourself and life.
Clarissa put is this way:
“Forgiveness is the culmination of all foregoing, forbearing, and forgetting. It does not mean giving up one’s protection, but one’s coldness…It is better for the soul-psyche to closely limit time with people who are difficult for you than to act like an unfeeling mannequin…Forgiveness is an act of creation. You can forgive for now, forgive till then, forgive till the next time, forgive but give no more chances – it’s a whole new game if there’s another incident…You decide. How does one know if she has forgiven? You tend to feel sorrow over the circumstance instead of rage, you tend to feel sorry for the person rather than angry with him. You tend to have nothing left to remember to say about it all. You understand the suffering that drove the offense to being with [understanding is NOT accepting]. You prefer to remain outside the mileau. You are not waiting for anything. You are not wanting anything. There is no lariat snare around your ankle stretching from way back there to here. You are free to go.”
