I’ve sewed since I was maybe 8 years old. But it’s been years and the new fangled machines are surely more complicated than my old back and forth sewing machine which has died. I used to crochet, work needlepoint, design needlepoint for a shop in Florida, embroider anything I could get my hands on, and suddenly I was afraid of all of it because it all felt new and not old and comfortable. Not to give in to fear, I started out easy with handwork, upcycling a jean jacket for granddaughter. I did have to use a machine for the ruffles – and will soon have to figure out how to rethread the bobbin. But I got the result I was aiming for so maybe old dogs/new tricks/remembering how to ride a bicycle all works out in the long run.
Meanwhile, while I was rummaging in my old sewing area of my closet, and discovering all kinds of treasures that will keep me home and not back out at JoAnn’s Fabric Store, I discovered an old notebook with jottings on fear. It posed the question that is the title of this post. I’m going to share it because interestingly enough it pretty much still holds (this is from 6 years ago).
I often mistake the voice of fear for rationality. What really scares me is that what I want to believe – about following your heart and things working out – is a pipedream or a feel-good dream. I’m afraid that all the stuff about attracting energy is crap and that some people get touched with the golden wand and others don’t. I’m afraid I’m one of the ones who doesn’t get touched, that I am humoring a wish, a dream, a fantasy and that by honoring that over the last 3 years I’ve put myself in a position of financial insecurity. I don’t even want to put this out there because I’m afraid all the little negative energies will sniff it out, howl down the trail and eat every last bit of positive affirmation I’ve managed to give myself to keep going. I’m afraid that I’ll sabotage myself by giving up too soon or get distracted by something more practical when right now, right now, I know I’m onto something, into some kind of new flow.
Then, I wrote myself a letter of encouragement. (It makes me twitchy to share this because it is so personal, but I know there are others out there who need to hear this stuff – I’m not all that different from every other person trying to follow their heart – so this is for you, too).
You are the most amazing person and you simply refuse to see it. All around you things change and move toward more positive ways of being because of you and you simply refuse to see it. Open your eyes. All the way. Clear out the fog and mist, claim that which you know is your power – your sense of possibility, your caringness and loyalty, your passion for what and who you love. Accept that you do know what you want. You are on the path to it and if anything needs to happen it is just to trust what you know. The Universe is responsive, you are loved and deserving. It is the intention to be true to yourself and your love that is the magic wand with which you yourself anoint yourself. It comes from within, not from without and you already have it – you are the one who is holding it at bay – not fate, not the Universe, rather your closed hand, your filled bowl that must be emptied of old ideas and old ways to make room for the new.
“Greatness is born of our own inelegance befriended and assisted.” Tama Kieves
Every decision you make – every decision – is not a decision about what to do. It’s a decision about who your are. Neale Donald Walsh
Have I stopped having fears since I wrote this 6 years ago? No. Have the fears changed much? No – but the longer I hang in here the more I know that somehow things always work out, often at the 11:59th hour. I’ve focused on learning easier ways but realize that perhaps the persistence in the face of the unknown and the fear of failure and being a bag lady brings its own kind of energy and knowledge. So I’ve learned to relax more. But my next sewing project IS a bag!