TAMMY VITALE

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Totem_lindas_treasures Totem_lindas_treasures_detail

Totem:  Linda’s Treasures, wall sculpture, clay shards mounted on wood, 30" tall x 9" wide by Tammy Vitale

I think I have finally figured out the part-time job and timing and rhythm.  Of course I will say that and off it will go, gallivanting, with me holding on for dear life.  But yesterday was very reasonable and hopefully it will continue that way.

I had enough energy left over to make two Totems, one of which you see here, detail a school of Ugly Fish (12 new ones!) and put the heads onto the new batch of Dancing Women, some of which will be single wall hangings and some of which will make new totems.  All of which will be pictured here as soon as they are finished for your viewing pleasure.

And if that isn’t enough, I did a half hour swipe at the vining plants in the garden – I hate to call them weeds because they are quite beautiful with tiny snapdragon like flowers when they bloom bright yellow.  But when they are vining over azaleas, other plants that are trying mightily to bloom and crawling up the Butterfly bush – well, enough is enough and out they came.  Along with some vinca which you can pull until you’re 100 years old and it will laugh at you and spread right back wherever it pleases.

All in all, mostly a very good day.  At day’s end Son called back to say he hadn’t been able to get into rehab, something about court ordered cases taking precedence and could I please pay for a motel room for him just for one night and his ex-girlfriend, who lives close to me, would reimburse me.  This is the hard part.  I told him that there was no guarantee, then, that today he would get in either.  And that in the past every time I "helped" him it seemed to go wrong.  Suggested churches and shelters, neither of which he was interested in tracking down.  Can I tell you how it hurts my mother’s heart to say "no" to him?  And yet that mother’s heart knows that if he is ever going to stand on his own two feet then Mom must remove her crutch self.  I told him it is vitally important for him to find out what he himself wants for himself in this life – separate from anyone else, including us, his parents.  Or he is doomed to keep repeating this lesson.

He talked about his anger – a lot at me and husband for not helping him more while he was clean, which he defined as a year and which I recall might have been about 6 months that he had a regular job.  But never much money.  And I told him that aiming the anger out was not doing him a bit of good, that anger is a pathway and needs to be followed to its root.  He says he doesn’t really know why he started using way back in his teens.  Back when I didn’t know.  He was frustrated when he got off the phone.  And what I heard was the coming down part of addiction, when things tend to get a bit desperate all the way around.  I’m getting to be able to identify it.  And not take it personally.  At the moment, I’m learning not to take a lot of things personally – especially things which seemed to be aimed directly at me, but, I am learning, say more about the person doing the aiming than about me.  I never got that concept before.  Funny how now it’s as clear as a bell.  Of course it works in reverse.  I can’t aim at anyone without revealing a lot of myself either.  I will lay this understanding at the feet of Byron Katie and her Work as the principal partner in laying the groundwork for understanding.  Of course you then have to add in Christine Kane’s workshop and blog, which I think I’ve finally figured out how to get to regularly since my computer won’t let me go directly – we’ve tried, but it just won’t work directly.  And Tama Kieves’ This Time I Dance which I’ve been rereading as I quote it here, and Christina Baldwin’s The Seven Whispers, and maybe even Julia Cameron’s Finding Water although I think it’s more about the group that’s worked it through than the book itself.

Been a short year of long lessons.  More sitting on the horizon grinning at me even as I write.  Onward.

I am happy to report that the Cackling Crone seems to have taken up residence in my head as a main player.  Perhaps I can attribute some of this clear vision to her.  She resides on the left side of my interior vision while The Hamster and A Student reside on the right side.  In the corner.  Unsure about this new and very large apparition.  How glad am I that I exist in 2007 where I can write stuff like this and not be locked up?!  I should make a Soul Card for her! 

thought for the day:  Rather than being taught to ask ourselves who we are, we are schooled to ask others.  We are, in effect, trained to listen to others’ versions of ourselves.  We are brought up in our life as told to us by someone else!…Many of us would have been, or at least might have been, done, tried something, if…If we had known who we really were."  Julia Cameron

12 Comments

  • "Things that seemed aimed at me…" seeems to have spoken to a lot of people. I'm one of them. Thanks for sharing your wisdom, Tammy.

  • "How glad am I that I exist in 2007 where I can write stuff like this and not be locked up?! "

    I'm glad too, because the Crone is crackin' me up!!! I love her!

    I'm proud of you for helping your son to find independance… but I can't imagine how hard it must be to do that. *big hug*

  • Tammy-
    I have been in my own little world lately, so it has been a while since I last visited your blog. Good for you in holding firm your position with your son … and for suggesting other options for him. You're absoluely right … my Alanon sponsor likes to remind me: "When I point the finger at someone else, I have three pointing back at me." Yes, anger needs to be traced to the root … and blaming others is so not where it's at. Continued prayers and good vibes for you, your son, and the rest of your family. Happy Mother's Day.

  • Penny

    Pulling the vines and Vinca could almost be a metaphor for the times in our lives when we must wrench out the negativity that comes into our lives from others (even beloved family). I loved "things that seem aimed at me…" and I'm going to remember that. What a paradigm change to look at things that way.

  • Oh so many hugs and good wishes (and admiration) flying their way over the atlantic to you from me. Well done on that very difficult 'NO', my heart goes out to you and hopes for the best results for you all in the end. You are so brave and strong and true, and doing the 'next right thing' while staying centered and grounded. Well Done.

    Your work IS amazing. I love reading your posts (especially liked the line: Along with some vinca which you can pull until you're 100 years old and it will laugh at you and spread right back wherever it pleases). Oh and the Cackling Crone – she sounds a hoot and I would like to sit and drink tea with her in the garden.

    I will be continuing to visit very often, even thought the actual FW 12 weeks is drawing to a close. Such a joy and blessing to have 'met' you.

    Hugs, Lizzi

  • Although, I've had no time to comment, I've read all of your posts while I've been far away on unexpected travel, but only able to do so on a public computer in bits and pieces.

    I'm thrilled you've reached creative new heights, sound at peace with your journey and new directions. I had wanted to participate in Artomatic this year but I had previous committments. Hooray for all your success and contacts!

    I've seen your artwork grow during this time of meeing you via this blog. You have so much talent, it's been a delight to see you stretching yourself even more in new directions and making terrific business decisions. If I sound like a cheerleader, it's meant sincerely.

    As far as Son, my heart is with you. I've not blogged about a similar situation with one daughter save for one poem before I met you and I removed it from my blog the day after I posted it. Yes, saying "no" to one you love is one of the hardest lessons a parent must do. I, too, love my daughter unconditionally. Knowing not to "enable" her and give her space to become the adult she needs to do on her own…now that she emancipated herself from us abruptly a year ago, is difficulat and heartwrenching. Our daughter does not have addiction issues, but her others ones are as serious.

    Bravo to you for finding yourself and going on. This has been difficult for me this year, as I have mourned the loss of her, even though she is alive. She is also an artist and I think of her everytime I create. I've need to rewire my thought processes to find inner peace. Many of your quotes/thoughts for the day have been inspirational and helpful to me, besides you sharing your own personal journey. I am sure your successs will continue to flourish.
    I hope Son DOES enter rehab. It's beyond difficult/frustrating to wait on the sidelines, but many times parents must separate and do just that. I shall think positively for you and me (and others) who face this difficulty.
    Hugs to you and yours

  • I come and check in regularly–my heart goes out to you. My kids are still 'little' and I can't imagine what it must do to you to say "no"–yet I know you are right to do it.

    We're all thinking of you around here, as we head down the stretch to the end of the school year.

    Sounds like your art and your new job are really going well! I'm waiting for a response on some writing I've submitted, as well as an art piece for a web site. Hard to wait…

    Hugs–Karen

  • I hope that your son will find his way through the maze he is in to the center and freedom. You seem to have found a very strong and wise place to deal with this from. Perhaps it is the beauty and growth of your art that sustains you. The lessons of firing a kiln along with those of nurturing a garden inform you too.

    I really like the totems you have been creating. Wishing you balance between your art life and your part time job.

  • All the posts and replies I have written today have been about admiring strength, positivity and inspiration. Your's will not be any different.
    It must be so difficult to say 'no' to your son and it must hurt like hell. You stood your ground and that is a strength that can only be admired.
    You truly are an inspiration.

    Hope all works out fine.

  • i admire your strength and courage in this difficult time with your son. it must be SO hard to say no, but i understand why you did. i'm holding him in my thoughts and hoping he will find the strength he needs to get clean and make a good life for himself. xoxoxo

  • "things which seemed to be aimed directly at me, but, I am learning, say more about the person doing the aiming than about me." Wise words, Tammy – something for all of us to remember.

    Sending loads of ((HUGS)) your way. XO

  • what a metaphor; weeding your garden as weeding your life… pulling out the old roots which strangle yourself and your family; circulating air and nutrients.

    (You are right… The drug goes in crazy and comes out crazy… it has nothing to do with you)

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