Prompt: Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Alice Bradley) for Reverb 10

With the other prompts to date, I’ve had to drop down into myself and write.  Not for this one.  I didn’t even have to think about it.  This one is easy.  Except, because it was so easy, it’s pretty clear that I haven’t yet let go.  Although I have said it out loud, turned my thoughts away from the incoming thoughts about anger (mostly at myself for being naive and imperfect – you know how that goes), deleted contact, held back from commenting.  Judgement sits on the fence with me.  Until I let go of judgement (against the “whom” and myself), letting go is going to be a bit of a struggle.

Why let go?  Because anything that holds us back, or makes us feel less than, or closes us down, or keeps us in what Stacey Curnow calls “the lower vibrations” as named by Esther Hicks, is the wrong direction.  (Stacey did a coaching call with me this past week.  A gift and grace all wrapped up in one.  And it became clear to me that I have not let go.  That every time I prick the boil, nasty stuff comes out).  I know the wisdom of letting go.  I have managed to let go of many things that loomed larger and longer in my life than this particular instance.  And so, you’d think I’d know better by now.

So let me write myself through this here and see if I can, indeed, let it go once and for all.

This is obviously the day for it with the coincidence of this prompt, Seth Godin’s blog, and Brooke Castillo’s blog (which is sporadic) all showing up at once.  It’s been that kind of week, but I digress.

Seth says:   People don’t like doubt, so they pay money and give up opportunities to avoid it. Entrepreneurship is largely about living with doubt, as is creating just about any sort of art.If you need reassurance, you’re giving up quite a bit to get it.

Indeed.  Money that would have been better spent (in hindsight) elsewhere.  Judgement:  Dear Tammy – you should know this by now!  What is wrong with you, are you weak?  Are you crazy? (doing the same thing, expecting a different outcome).  Do you think you don’t already *know* this?

There are no get rich quick schemes that actually work.  There are stories that you can listen to and convince yourself that well, maybe this time.  But no.  Not so.  It is always and ever the same:  Show up.  Do the work. And, as Seth says, go ahead and live in the doubt because the one thing that is certain about life is that there is no certainty.

This is not a rant.  It is reminding myself of what I already have learned.  I KNOW this.  And I keep forgetting.  I wanted someone who would help me remember.  It seemed to me it would go faster if I had someone walking beside me, taking notes, feeding myself back to me.  That’s what I wanted.  It isn’t what I got.  And I heard something at the first get together, before I had committed, that clued me to the fact I wouldn’t get it.  And I ignored it.  Because I really, really, really wanted that help.  I was tired of wondering if it was ever going to come to ease (this life of mine).  I wanted assurance.  I got assurance.  But I didn’t get follow-through.  Then I hung on when I should have quit.  I’ve done this before.  It worked out in the long run but oh my, at what psychic cost (that would be my 2nd semester in my Master’s program.  Rough rough year – and exactly the same as this particular boil.  Which a good friend noted for me.  Which is when I started the letting go process.  Reminder:  letting go IS a process.).

Now to Brooke, who reminds me (Life is Hard sometimes), as did Stacey, of mind work.  Lovely Brooke – she makes it okay to rant.  Go ahead and rant says she.  Clean that boil out.  Then laugh.  Then see what you can do with all this.  That’s where the letting go happens:  laughter. 

I remember reading a fiction book in the 70s.  The protagonist is thrown into an alien land through his leprosy.  He becomes godlike through the white gold wedding band he wears – he is divorced.  He is facing the ultimate evil and he is losing.  And then he realizes that it is his anger that Evil is feeding on.  That and his fear.  He realizes that in order to save this world and himself, he must laugh.  And so he does.  And Evil loses all of its power.

So instead of “letting go” today I will learn to laugh – at myself and the absurdity of thinking I’m ever going to always act out of what I know instead of what I want.  I will laugh at the imperfection of this frail human self, and know that I am fine just as I am – bad decisions, doubt and all.  If in this version of my story I am all too human and imperfect, then the ending follows that I will naturally make mistakes, even repeat the same ones.  And that’s okay.

The marvelous Annie Lamott says is wonderfully:

That’s me, trying to make any progress at all with family, in work, relationships, self-image:  scootch, scootch, stall; scootch, stall, catastrophic reversals; bog, bog, scootch.  I wish grace and healing were more abracadabra kinds of things; also that delicate silver bells would ring to announce grace’s arrival.  But no, it’s clog and slog and scootch, on the floor, in the silence, in the dark.  I suppose that if you were snatched out of the mess, you’d miss the lesson; the lesson is the slog. 

Wylde Women’s Wisdom

The dark goddesses take away the need for perfection.  They are not considered beautiful.  These goddesses kill and dance on corpses.  They own the night sky.  we have lost them to a patriarchy that fears them and has relegated them to dark pits and named them evil.  Julia Ostriker. 

We need to take them back.  Tammy Vitale.

The person who thinks s/he has found the ultimate truth is wrong.  Joseph Campbell.

Women need stories.  It is through stories that we share experiences, recognize stagnant and destructive patterns in our lives, become empowered to take responsibility for our lives.  Tammy Vitale

We wrongly believe that our limited little egos constitute our whole entire nature.  We have failed to recognize our deeper divine character.  We don’t realize that, somewhere with us all, there does exist a supreme Self who is eternally at peace.  That supreme Self is our true identity, universal and divine.  Elizabeth Gilbert