Outside things are turning green: leaves, flowers. Daffodils have come and gone, now I have Pinks and Primroses and what’s left of the azaleas and sweet sweet lily of the valley.
The weather is unsettled. Tuesday we were in the 80s, today in the 60s. Rain ranges from soft sprinkle to downpour deluge with accompanying disruptions.
Me too. Things are changing inside and outside of me. Active and productive art/right brain. Can’t find enough time to get it all out. Ideas are waiting in line. To the left you see my original crayon drawing and below you see 3 canvasses created from it using techniques I’ve learned and played with in my journals: computer generated copies sized differently than the original and mounted on backgrounds made with masking tape, stencils, painting with credit cards, oil pastels.
Writing, left brain: dry dry dry. Desert. Not a drop of rain anywhere. Can’t find a word to tag a blog post onto. Or if I find one I don’t write it down and off it goes, burrowing back into the ground where I can’t see it.
Not complaining, really, just observing. The Deep Darks have gone. Nothing changed except maybe the moon’s position. Or maybe it’s just really hard to stay in the Deep Darks when one has frogs serendaing outside her window and wind whispering secrets in newly minted leaves. Which gives some credence to just sitting through those things and understanding they are all part of the Spiral Path.
This week has brought much in the way of physical activity, too (no left brain required). My little rental cottage is between tenants and needs a year’s worth of yard (which we have planted to a jungle) work done. This takes nothing more than communing with the trees and bushes, admiring them, rescuing them from the terrible 4: Virginia Creeper, Honeysuckle Vine, Grape vine and Clematis. All of which are happily ensconced on the property. We live with a mowing truce. If the tenant doesn’t mow under the trees, the vines break the treaty. Three van full trips to the dump and we aren’t even half done. Makes for great sleeping at night!
Here’s what I take away from my personal chaos this past month or so:
1. It isn’t always a story you’re telling yourself. Sometimes it’s just feelings and feelings aren’t good or bad. Just sit with them. You are not required to DO anything, including understand why you feel this way. You feel this way. That’s okay. No judgement required.
2. I know – it doesn’t feel good to feel this way but that’s because you believe that you should feel happier or more secure or more on top of things. That IS a story. Let it go. Allow yourself imperfection, long hot bubble baths and a good book. Contrary to what some might tell you, life does not require that every minute be productive and you are not required to fill every minute (or every day or even every week or, gasp, even a month) with something that will pay dividends. Doodle in the margins and go for a walk.
3. When one side of your brain shuts down (in this instance my left, logical, linear, purposeful side), the other side can blossom if you pay attention and give it space. If you’re so busy watching what you’re not doing, you’ll miss entirely what you could be doing. Some might call it distraction. I call it creation.
That’s it – no really big Ahas to share today. Just thought I’d share because it’s always good to know you’re not alone, and I know for a fact there are others of you out there in the same space. No matter where you find yourself, there is someone else feeling that way…so here comes #4:
4. Reach out. Find another person so share your sitting, doodling, walk, good book with.
Here’s what my creative side has been doing while my linear writing side has gone into hiding (you will note I’m “playing on a riff” – no hard thinking required – just play):
Ok. You’re having a little rebellion? Go [write] for ten minutes, “I don’t want to write about…” Put the rebellion in your writing rather than rebelling against it. It will give your writing punch. Take control of your power. Natalie Goldberg