It’s my own fault.
After all, I’m the one who claimed “living in the question” for my year. And boy have I lived in the question this year (and yes, indeed, we have 1/2 a year to go)!
Last year, I changed course about half way through the year. This year I think I’ll hold steady in the question, which is hardly steady as far as life goes, so maybe that’s the same thing as changing course. It hasn’t been easy, this not knowing. But it has stretched me in ways I might not have gone otherwise.
Part of my problem (always) is listening to other’s ideas of how the world works. Mostly because I want to believe them. But I am not them, and my world does not work like their world, or I have missed something because it is not yet time for me to see it, or I am on a bee-line to learn something I am not yet aware of, or in fact who I am being is due for a metamorphosis.
So as per usual I have been in the deep darks resisting what’s next because it does not fit my own personal this-is-what-I’m-going-to-do plan. That lifted about a month ago with the realization that I could stay stuck in the dark or move toward what’s next.
I had no idea what was next.
So I put out a “help” to the Universe.
Things started showing up – or maybe they were always there and I was just not yet ready to see them. They are not the things I wanted but things that will work. I’m not there yet, but it looks as if the “next thing” for me is going to be a full-time job working for someone else. For a long while. Since my life choices did not include guaranteed retirement income.
By the way, even with these not-exactly-what-I-had-in-mind things showing up, I wouldn’t change one of those choices. Not even the bad ones. Because each brought its own lesson. And one of the lessons is that I don’t have to bang my head bloody up against a wall of my own making before I change course.
I spent time feeling like a failure for arriving at this point. Then art journaling wafted into my life and, ta-dah!, I had art on the fly – art that can be done in the interstices of time left after a full-time job is done for the day. That is a gift. I am loving the people it has brought into my life, and the way it has expanded what me and my gal pals are sharing and creating together. I am loving the way it is shifting out into all of my art, not just the play stuff.
When I find that perfect job, I will love that I am no longer counting pennies at the end of the month! And it will leave space for my art in some form or another.
And who knows where submitting to the flow will ultimately lead? Grace falls out of the sky in the most unexpected disguises. I am not going to brush it off.
I don’t know. I don’t know who else out there needs to read this to know they are not alone (but I trust that since it was called onto “paper” today, someone else is looking).
I do know that I believe that things happen for a reason. I believe that I must be needed “out there” somewhere, not here in my studio for now. Someone somewhere has also called out “help” and I am the one who can answer. And that’s okay.
1. You are not alone or the only one. Look around. Your tribe is looking for you too!
2. You are imperfect; I am imperfect; the whole world is gloriously, wonderfully, on-goingly imperfect. So that must be the way it’s supposed to be! Celebrate that!
3. You can make up your own rules as you go along, change them when they are worn out or used up, borrow someone else’s ideas and try them on for size. The only real rules are the ones you choose to follow – do you know where they came from? Do you still want them?
4. You are forgiven. Whatever the thing is that is deep and dark and throws shadows everywhere? You are forgiven for that. Bless it. Release it. Onward.