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Deep Darks

Deep Darks

Tammy April 13, 2011 30 comments

wandering in my yard, camera in hand (the pansies and violas came back beautifully after being frozen all winter)Yes I know it’s all the story in my head. 

Yes I have tons (368 on line and twice that off line) of uplifting quotes and about that many books and blogs that remind me how to be happy.

And yes, for goodness sake, the days are getting longer!  It is hardly winter!

And yes I can step outside myself and watch this process of being alone and lonely and lost. 

A day’s worth is a snap.  A month’s worth is making me think maybe it’s time to up the Vitamin D.

I’m off beat and out of step.

My inner child is in her treehouse hiding and won’t come out to play unless I drag her (which looks like:  here are all these things to play with.  Now play dammit and enjoy yourself!).  It gets a bit better after she starts.  The small space I need to breathe opens up a teeny bit and altho not completely focused I can create.  (Tried and tried to embed the video, but it just won’t.  So here’s the link to The Little Book of “Yes I Can!”)

Do I know why I’m here?  You betcha.  I can look back and track the life choices:  non-profit social justice work does not pay well when you’re doing it and does not offer, at the local community very small teeny tiny organization level any kind of retirement pay.  Then there’s burnout.  Then there’s following my heART and believing as hard as I can that this is what I’m meant to do and surely the Universe will respond.  Well, the current response isn’t what I had in mind.  $3/gal/gas makes art sales drop.  At $4 the abyss is looking pretty deep.  Who knows at $5.

Thus I’m  having a pity party of one.  And an anger party at “them” who orchestrated a lot of the economic stuff over which I have no control and who I see sitting back laughing all the way to the bank.   Oh, and a furious party at all the smugness of those who have or expect to shortly have.  May the gods notice.  And soon.  Tadaaaaa!  Depression!

As you can see, I know how I got here.  I just can’t see the way out right now despite all that I know.

Instead let me offer all the rest of you who find yourself here for whatever reasons:  you aren’t alone, even though it feels like it.  The sun’s still out there even though the rain is obscuring it.  The moon is always full, even though it doesn’t look that way.  And that’s not being chirpy.  It’s being real and understanding that this too shall pass.

So be kind to yourself when you’re in the midst.  If chirpy makes you want to slap someone then find compassion somewhere and dwell.  And it doesn’t have to include doing for others (since for myself that’s pretty much been my whole life).  Instead, for once, and right now, do for yourself.  Treat yourself as you would your beloved child:  lots of hugs, a favorite meal, a walk (in the rain if necessary) with a camera to notice and pay attention and photograph.  Don’t expect it to end.  But do expect to endure.  The light at the end of the tunnel isn’t always a train coming to run over you. 

Hang in there!  Blessing this darkness, acknowledging it, allowing it, sitting with it and not denying it, loving it for making me think about how to open, and open and open and open again.

Wylde Women’s Wisdom

Yearning opens the path; the path guides the journey; the journey leads home to yourself.  Tammy Vitale  (see, I DO know this stuff!  And some days all you can do is sit with the knowing.)

In Category : Keeping On Keeping On

Comments

30
  • Joined:
    2009-10-19 15:07:50
    April 13, 2011
    Tammy

    Wow! If I could write better, I would have written pretty much exactly what you have here!

    I am hanging on and trying to use creativity to overcome things. Reading your stuff is making it a much brighter experience. Thanks.

  • Joined:
    2009-10-19 15:07:50
    Tammy Vitale
    April 13, 2011
    Tammy

    Good! We can’t be happy/serene/chirpy all the time. I think it’s good to know that’s not only okay, but you aren’t alone. So now there’s at least two of us. Sending you big BIG hugs

  • Joined:
    2009-10-19 15:07:50
    April 13, 2011
    Tammy

    Wow, Tammy, this must be the day for being down! Your words reflected exactly how I feel right now. There are some family issues happening that I can’t get past right now, even though I know I should just go with the flow.

    Then there’s my art which never seems to sell and I ask myself who wants it? Why bother? Should I just do it for myself? That doesn’t pay any bills or put gas in my car. Is there a secret that I don’t know and no one will share?

    Everything improves, I know. If I just work through the family stuff a piece at a time, it will be do-able. It does distract me from my creativity and gets me stuck.

    My optimistic nature usually says things will work out after all the dust settles…I hope!

  • Joined:
    2009-10-19 15:07:50
    Tammy Vitale
    April 13, 2011
    Tammy

    No need to hope – I KNOW everything will work out. The flow keeps going and sometimes we ride it and sometimes we
    tumble through the rocks, but there’s always a still pool somewhere! Hang in. and hugs to you!

  • Joined:
    2009-10-19 15:07:50
    April 13, 2011
    Tammy

    How interesting…Maybe the planets aren’t aligned right, or something!! Yesterday was my crabby day, and I was feeling just like what you and the others described. Today is a better day though…loved your little book Tammy!

  • Joined:
    2009-10-19 15:07:50
    Coralie Kay
    April 13, 2011
    Tammy

    There is a dark energy about at the moment; very dark. It includes the mean-spirited insantity of our elected leaders in their domestic policy decisions that vilify the poor. It includes the eagerness of this country to commit to the atrocities of war; to accept that our great and wonderful country openly engages in torture and targeted assasinations and secret CIA prisons. It reaches into the dark corners of our minds. Many of us are feeling it; the dark energy that saps initiative and hope. It gathers strength from our dark thoughts. Dark energy invites us to fight it with anger or to yield to it with despair. Instead we need to meet it with light; counter it with and hope and optimism. Standfast with the knowledge that we are infinitely blessed with the energies of creativity, vision, benevolence, compassion, healing and most of all, endurance. Visualizing and surrounding ourselves; our families; our friends; and yes, even our enemies, with walls and blankets of white light will diminish the dark energy. This is something that needs to be done and a great many people need to be actively doing it.

  • Joined:
    2009-10-19 15:07:50
    Tammy Vitale
    April 13, 2011
    Tammy

    Jenna: I couldn’t write yesterday (my usual blog day). I figured if I finally just wrote it out instead

    of trying to fight with it, I’d find at least one other person to share with. That’s the beauty
    of the blog/internet world! And you know, sorrow divided is much easier to deal with!

    Thanks for stopping by!

  • Joined:
    2009-10-19 15:07:50
    Tammy Vitale
    April 13, 2011
    Tammy

    Coralie – won’t argue with anything you say. And will offer that some days even the Light Bearers need to retreat so that new Light Bearers can discover their power and fill in for a while.

  • Joined:
    2009-10-19 15:07:50
    April 13, 2011
    Tammy

    Coralie puts it so well, the dark energy is so prevalent. I think I started sinking into my more or less depressive state when I realized that the new president was first and foremost a politician, and as such was not that much better than the alternative. The promises and hopes I felt during the campaign I feel have been betrayed.

    I thank you for your encouragement to let my inner child out to play. I am not an accomplished artist, but the need for the creative play is very real, especially in these days of such darkness. I find myself distracted from my cynicism and worry over the path our country has chosen when I start contemplating entries for my visual journal. I wouldn’t even have it if it wasn’t for you and the intro to Wild Precious Art I found in your newsletter.

    I am not ecstatically happy, but I feel so much better than I did a few weeks ago. When I start to feel hopeless and alone, I can visit other people who are creating beauty in their own space and lives.

  • Joined:
    2009-10-19 15:07:50
    Tammy Vitale
    April 13, 2011
    Tammy

    Ellie – you have a beautiful antidote right in your yard – all that wylde beauty you have worked so hard to create! If that isn’t artistry nothing is!

    And yes, art journaling brings with it a great deal of distracted satisfaction – a quiet space.

    I’m loving every minute I spend – which is quite a few at the moment. I feel like the answer
    will present itself in the creation if I just give it enough time. I think of how all the masters say to make a good pot, first make 100 that aren’t. I never managed that with pots, but art journals – I’m on my way.

    And, btw, so glad I was a conduit for your finding something that helps. Wonderful to hear!

  • Joined:
    2009-10-19 15:07:50
    April 13, 2011
    Tammy

    Oh, I do not possess the gift of the “pen”… heck, english is not even my first language so I cannot comment so eloquently. The only thing I can say that sounds remotely close to what I’m feeling when I read this post is that it comes at the most opportune time for me. I AM NOT ALONE FEELING THIS WAY! Thank you so very much, Tammy. I feel more normal, not such an outcast. We’ll make it, right?! Yeah, we’ll make it. You’ll see!

  • Joined:
    2009-10-19 15:07:50
    Tammy Vitale
    April 13, 2011
    Tammy

    English is my only language – I am in awe of folks who manage other than their mother tongue.
    Never been a strong area for me – though I think it’s shameful that I only know english! And a taste of French. A very small taste.

    No – we aren’t alone. We’ve got quite the community growing here! And yes, we’ll all make
    it on through. Because we’re not alone and once you know that, I think you can move on to
    dealing with the impossible.

  • Joined:
    2009-10-19 15:07:50
    Kirsten
    April 14, 2011
    Tammy

    Good morning Tammy, it seems there’s a lot of us feeling the same way. The universe is not playing nice at the moment! Like Coralie, my energy has been very dark for a while & every day seems to bring more bad news regarding my physical health. I’m tired of feeling I have to be ‘up’ & happy all the time for the benefit of my friends.
    Thank you for sharing with us Tammy, I hope you can sense our kind thoughts towards you. Blessings.

  • Joined:
    2009-10-19 15:07:50
    Wendy
    April 14, 2011
    Tammy

    Sending White light to all of you.

  • Joined:
    2009-10-19 15:07:50
    Tammy Vitale
    April 14, 2011
    Tammy

    Kirsten: Yes – that “up all the time thing” is what I call chirpy. Some days all it does is make me dig my heels in deeper and scowl. Other days it works. Not to wallow but if everything is as it’s supposed to be, then apparently the fact that more than one of us is feeling this way has meaning. Perhaps it means only that we reach out and find out we’re not alone. Or maybe bigger (since I’ve been feeling this way since slightly before the earthquake, I’m chalking it up to a rip in the web that has sensitives reeling).

  • Joined:
    2009-10-19 15:07:50
    Tammy Vitale
    April 14, 2011
    Tammy

    Wendy: thank you! I’m sure we can all use it! Hugs!

  • Joined:
    2009-10-19 15:07:50
    April 14, 2011
    Tammy

    “a rip in the web that has sensitives reeling”

    I read that in your comment and my inner bell went “Bing!” That is EXACTLY how I have been feeling.

    I want to add that my profession as massage therapist is one of the things about my life that makes it imperative that I find a way to nurture myself. I find that helping and healing my clients can be a real drain on my energy, an dI don’t always recharge effectively.

    Thank you for what you said above about my garden. I tend to forget that it truly is an artistic expression of me — the creation is slow and tedious and the results take years to come to fruition. It is just “out there” and yet I find myself stalking it with my camera looking for the arrangements and juxtapositions that I planned out. Sometimes I look out my bathroom window and have a sense of astonishment at the view “I did this! Wow!” And yet still never thinking of it as my artistic expression.

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  • Joined:
    2009-10-19 15:07:50
    jackie
    April 21, 2011
    Tammy

    hi Tammie. Your writing helps a lot especially now that i am dealing with some pretty sad things in my life at the moment. Thanks a lot.

  • Joined:
    2009-10-19 15:07:50
    Tammy Vitale
    April 21, 2011
    Tammy

    Jackie – You’re most welcome.

    It is always good to know you aren’t alone.

    A lot of folks seem to be going through things right now (self included in case you can’t tell).

    Ellie – you know a covet your garden! Just not the amount of work I know you put into it!

    Sending you white light and good wishes. Thanks for reaching out.

    hugs

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  • Joined:
    2009-10-19 15:07:50
    May 5, 2011
    Tammy

    I am so glad I popped in today. Haven’t even felt like checking blogs for the past week. I am going to link to this wonderful post since I can not express myself as well as you have here. I feel better knowing it’s OK to still find myself here when I too know how to get out. Thanks so much.

  • Joined:
    2009-10-19 15:07:50
    Tammy Vitale
    May 5, 2011
    Tammy

    There’s a lot of Deep Darks going around today. It is unfortunate that we have so many
    “Secret” followers who are quite willing to point blame at our doing something wrong.

    It’s feelings and they aren’t wrong or right they just are.

    Glad you found your way here too! Thanks for sharing!

  • Joined:
    2009-10-19 15:07:50
    Corinne
    May 5, 2011
    Tammy

    Hi Tammy! Hugs to you! I too am finding myself in a bit of a dark space. Hard to ‘flow around the rocks’ sometimes. It’s always good to know you’re not alone and to have if affirmed that it’s ok to be there once and a while. Thank you for that.

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