Yes I have tons (368 on line and twice that off line) of uplifting quotes and about that many books and blogs that remind me how to be happy.
And yes, for goodness sake, the days are getting longer! It is hardly winter!
And yes I can step outside myself and watch this process of being alone and lonely and lost.
A day’s worth is a snap. A month’s worth is making me think maybe it’s time to up the Vitamin D.
I’m off beat and out of step.
My inner child is in her treehouse hiding and won’t come out to play unless I drag her (which looks like: here are all these things to play with. Now play dammit and enjoy yourself!). It gets a bit better after she starts. The small space I need to breathe opens up a teeny bit and altho not completely focused I can create. (Tried and tried to embed the video, but it just won’t. So here’s the link to The Little Book of “Yes I Can!”)
Do I know why I’m here? You betcha. I can look back and track the life choices: non-profit social justice work does not pay well when you’re doing it and does not offer, at the local community very small teeny tiny organization level any kind of retirement pay. Then there’s burnout. Then there’s following my heART and believing as hard as I can that this is what I’m meant to do and surely the Universe will respond. Well, the current response isn’t what I had in mind. $3/gal/gas makes art sales drop. At $4 the abyss is looking pretty deep. Who knows at $5.
Thus I’m having a pity party of one. And an anger party at “them” who orchestrated a lot of the economic stuff over which I have no control and who I see sitting back laughing all the way to the bank. Oh, and a furious party at all the smugness of those who have or expect to shortly have. May the gods notice. And soon. Tadaaaaa! Depression!
As you can see, I know how I got here. I just can’t see the way out right now despite all that I know.
Instead let me offer all the rest of you who find yourself here for whatever reasons: you aren’t alone, even though it feels like it. The sun’s still out there even though the rain is obscuring it. The moon is always full, even though it doesn’t look that way. And that’s not being chirpy. It’s being real and understanding that this too shall pass.
So be kind to yourself when you’re in the midst. If chirpy makes you want to slap someone then find compassion somewhere and dwell. And it doesn’t have to include doing for others (since for myself that’s pretty much been my whole life). Instead, for once, and right now, do for yourself. Treat yourself as you would your beloved child: lots of hugs, a favorite meal, a walk (in the rain if necessary) with a camera to notice and pay attention and photograph. Don’t expect it to end. But do expect to endure. The light at the end of the tunnel isn’t always a train coming to run over you.
Hang in there! Blessing this darkness, acknowledging it, allowing it, sitting with it and not denying it, loving it for making me think about how to open, and open and open and open again.
Yearning opens the path; the path guides the journey; the journey leads home to yourself. Tammy Vitale (see, I DO know this stuff! And some days all you can do is sit with the knowing.)